The "Quarter-life crisis"

I turned twenty in August last year.

I don't usually make lists. I'm not that organised. I organise things a lot in my head and sometimes aloud, but I don't make lists. The thought of having what you want to or must do written down, scares me. Writing anything down means that it is there and you cannot pretend that it does not exist. You can shred it in to pieces or may be even burn it and let the ashes flow in to, and become one with the ocean. But if you have a conscience like mine, it won't let you forget. Once you write it down, it becomes immortal. In other words, you cannot procrastinate without feeling the occasional guilt pang. You can ofcourse make the choice to live with the occasional guilt ( I say 'occasional', because I presume you aren't THAT nice a person!). So, I don't make lists.

But 2 weeks before I turned twenty, I made a list. At the time, I was suffering from the illusion that turning twenty means I have to DO something. I didn't know what that something was, but it had to be done. I thought I would feel like crap if I do nothing. Making a list in itself, was a start for me when it came to the satisfaction of 'doing something I don't usually do'. So, on a friend's suggestion, I made a list of '20 things to do before I turn 20'. But as i think of this now, I began to question what it is about turning twenty that makes it such an important event, or even decade for that matter. Being twenty is really not such a nice thing. I mean, I love growing up and I'm not one of those people who always want to go 'back to their childhood'. I love the fact that I'm getting older, which hopefully translates to smarter, nicer, more experienced, more independent etc. But what is being twenty anyway? Here's what: (this is keeping in mind the following decade as well)

You are insecure. You feel the need (almost a compulsion) to organise your life and think about what you want to and should be doing. You start wondering where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start noticing things about yourself that you never did before, or at least chose to ignore.

You find yourself judging more that you used to. This applies to you and others. Suddenly, your extremely "chilled out" friend seems like an idiot who is doing nothing with his life and being happy about it. It seems atrocious to you that someone could care so less, even about themselves. You see what other people are doing, and if they happen to be the right kind of people you should be seeing, you start trying real hard not to feel like a failure.

If you have a job, you realise that it is not even close to what you should be doing, what you wanted to do. Or like me, if you are looking for a job, you realise that you need to start at the bottom and work your way up and that scares you shitless.

You start feeling that people, speaking quite generally, suck. They are selfish, mean and catty. You learn the hard way that the people you thought were the most important friends are actually not, and the ones you lost touch with are. But what you fail to realise is that, they're thinking the same things. They're not really selfish, mean or catty, but are simply as confused as you are.

You start feeling alone, scared and confused. Suddenly, change is your biggest enemy and you see yourself trying your very best to cling on to the past with dear life. You also see that you know it will slip away and you can't hold on to it much longer, but you try anyway.

All of a sudden, getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You want to settle down for good and get the sort of stability that you avoided all your life. That becomes top priority.

All of a sudden, all your past relationships seem silly and you find yourself looking for a life partner. Your "things I want in my partner" list (only a mental list if you're normal) changes radically.

You worry. A lot. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem
to make a decision. It's driving you mad. You want to flee from this cursed period and either become older or younger. You wish you could skip this decade of supreme decision-making necessities and either go back to your innocent childhood, or grow up and become a 30-something where you're already settled and hopefully have less to worry about.

But hey, no 20-something feeling this way is alone. We are all in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
May be we should all just grab a beer and watch the sun set, while we still can.

EDIT > I never did finish doing all the 20 things from my '20 things to do before I turn 20' list. And I'm proud of me, because I don't feel like crap about it anymore :)

The world, I suppose, will turn without you.
But just what good is it?

Anew?

A recent revelation has made me write again. For how long this will last, I'm not sure of. But I do know that it's the mark of a new beginning.

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Today what woke me up was a familiar sound,
not of chattering in the other room, of laughter
or of doors banging shut.

No, today the air is warm, the clouds are heavy.
Something is amiss.
Ah, it is the sunlight that pours in through the dirty windows,
On to our bare skin, bare backs.
This morose morning has been long due,
But darling, it’s just that I hadn’t a clue.

As I stood out on the balcony, I realised this was yet another first for me.
For the first time, I felt the sky was shedding a tear,
Like my mother often said.
I felt the stars were tumbling down.
I felt wrong seem right.
I felt my breath evaporate through the tips of my fingers, between my nails.

They escaped up high towards the dark day sky.
And i touched all the spots where i had been burned on my body from your fingers.

It was so quiet outside but so loud in my head,
And i thought i saw shadows moving like animals in the forest at night, but it was just the sound of
the wind brushing against trees
just like the ruffle in my heart,
and the bones that suddenly seemed so heavy in my chest.

I take one last leap and forget to think,
I don’t want to.
I’m tripping and falling through,
and I can’t see the bottom.
I don’t want to.
As I leave the safety of life,
I cry up at the angry sky and showers akin:
“This rain is not soft enough for my fragile skin.”