Where I want to be in 10 years

First, I think I have an interview for an ad-film making project with a team from Amsterdam, dayafter. I think.

But on other, more exciting news, I've been blog-hopping to dangerously unhealthy levels recently. Purely for lack of a social life. And for lack of E-company or better things to do. There's only so much of sitting home (which is in the middle of nowhere desert) and doing nothing a girl can take. So I decided to do nothing online, at the least.

Therefore, all I've really been doing is reading, looking for inspiration, writing, reading some more and writing some more. And, I'm going to admit very shamelessly, wishing I could write like:
- him, when he does write, or
- him when he makes the kind of observations that are so rarely made or
- him, with an imagination like a stretching sea of sand before a lone desert-walker.

(a lot of random blog-writers can be included in this list, but I won't go there.)

In the past week, I've come across all kinds of blogs. The professional type, the personal type, the rant-blog type, the poetry type, the boring type, the technical type, the nonsense type, the amateur type, the inspirational type, the terrible-writing-plus-bad-grammar type and a lot more. I've snooped into friends' blogs, friends of friends' blogs, strangers' blogs and unknown best-blogger-award-winners' blogs. I've seen the whole lot.

And I found my ideal life on one such blog.

I've read a good part of this blog and spent a good amount of time doing it. I did not analyse it. I read it for what it is and what it said about her, her family, her marriage, her friends, her life, her job(s) and everything else. It's frankly one of the few personal blogs I've liked so much. Isn't it AMAZING how someone can influence you and your life so much, without even realising it? (And it's even more amazing that my Wallowing theory actually seems to be working!)

The blog belongs to an acquaintance. Someone I've met just once and exchanged not more than 20 sentences with. If she were a fictional character, I'd want to be her and have her life and everything in it (almost) when I'm 30. Her talent, her intelligence, her take on things, her line of work, her home, her principles, her beauty, her wit, her humour, her courage, her dog, her marriage. I want (almost) everything. I'm sure when she has a baby, I'd want that too. I think I'd let her keep her husband, though. But I wouldn't mind marrying someone very much similar.

So that's it. That's what I have to work for. That's where I want to be in 10 years. That's where I very darn well be, in 10 years.

In these profound days of doing nothing, surrounded by nothingness, I'm rediscovering the happy-no-matter-what side of me. I've also come to discover the true me, in me. The hopelessly hopeful, hopelessly romantic and hopelessly positive girl in me. The ambitious, slighlty old-fashioned, confident, focused girl in me. The girl who knows exactly how, with whom and what she wants to be 10 years down the line(the where, as in location-wise, is still a mistery. I guess my nomadic tendencies will never leave me. Wee!)

So now, when some bald, mean-looking, well-spoken, well-dressed bloke sitting behind a neat desk at an office-with-an-awesome-view in my dream job place asks me where I want to be/see myself in 10 years, I'll know where to link him.


:)

Woman

There she sits, Maria
sunk low in her chair,
swaying to the tune of silence,
gazing at the paddy fields.

There she sits, Maria
smelling like frayed brown books of literature - hardbound,
like dusty old furniture,
like tea roses and talcum.

There she sits, Maria
no more a lover, a wife and a mother -
just a woman,
smiling like a flower about to wither.

Fur-real buddy?

I've always wanted a Guinea pig. Like this one:




And I want to name him Donut.

Oo, is it true that pets can take your mind off your rotting loneliness? Is it?


Now listening to: Orange Sky - Alexi Murdoch

No title.

You know how they say chocolate lifts your spirits, makes you feel happy, etc? Well, I'm having my doubts. Six Snickers bars down, and no spirits soaring here!

I realised I may not like change too much. Nothing's going right and all I want to do is wallow. I see why people like to wallow. Doesn't sound like the best decision, but I have a theory (like for everything else I say). Sometimes, if you are strong/smart enough, wallowing a little after you've had a day like mine can do you good. It sucks, but it still kind of gives you time to sort things out for urself and realise things you forgot to, because you were too busy living life. See?
My only other otpion is to go out and try to take my mind off things. But that's pretty much impossible. Because if I go out now, I'd be bogged down by other people's questions along with my own and I'd only be runnning from my problems or even worse, giving up. But on the other hand, if I do wallow for a while, may be I will get a grip at some point and actually DO something about the situations that CAN be helped. May be.

But then again, things might not be so bad. I had the nicest conversation with a friend I haven't spoken to in a very long time (let's call him Doritos). At times like these, you can't really help but make sense. This comes at the 2nd stage, where you are out of the shock and things are getting a little clearer to you. There may be no silver lining, but there is some light nonetheless. So when you suddenly start talking sense and sounding "profound", so to speak, people know something's wrong. They ask questions. Suddenly, everyone seems concerned. People you haven't heard from in years are asking you questions, saying they're sorry and giving you their best advice. It's kind of nice sometimes, as long as these "friends" don't interfere more than needed. The thought of someone even thinking of helping you through a rough patch, is nice. But this is the point, when your cynical self peeks out and wonders a little too loudly, whether it is concern or curiosity. But then, unless I hate the person so much that I want to claw their insides out, I would normally think it's the basic niceness that's in people. But then there are some friends like (let's call her Curry), who seem to go off on a tangent more easily than me. Curry is a good friend. She asks me what's wrong and I tell her. I don't know whether it's in hope of consolation or simply because I was asked. But I tell her nonetheless and she takes off about how she worries about things. What if her shit ends like mine! I mean, that's kind of rude now. I'm no one to judge, but things surely can't be worse in Curry's case? But hey, that's how people are. They suck, sometimes.

I was pondering the thought and I decided to share it with Doritos. And that's when we started discussing 9th grade literature that we both loved so much, that was taught to us by a man we respect more than any teacher. Actually, this is more of Philosophy. Remember Stoicism? Okay, for the ignorant, here's what it is in it's simplest explanation: In Julius Caesar, there is Anthony and there is Brutus. Anthony is what is known as an Epicurean. A man, who believes in living life to the fullest and that a fear of any supernatural power is only superstition, that diminishes his enjoyment of life. Nature runs the universe and therefore, man has free will and the sole responsibiliy of his actions.

An appealing thought, isn't it?

But then there is Brutus, a staunch Stoic. A man, who believes that the universe is controlled by God and humans are the only creatures with the power of reason. Therefore, reason is the ultimate link with the mind of God. Passion, is the biggest enemy of reason and rationality, being a hindrance to virute. And therefore, reason must dominate over passion.

Now, this is not the most convincing philosophy, simply because of its deterministic nature. But, its emphasis on reason and rationality is respectable. SO, the conclusion is that you need to strike balance. Be an Epicurean in your good times and a Stoic in your bad, and voila! You have a happy person! Because if you don't SEE the damn holes, you want to keep sailing the freakin' happy boat.

Cheers.
Written on 8/5/09

Ever felt so angry that you want to rip someone's head off and feed it to termites?


FTW.